As I write, I’m struggling for words. It’s ‘my why’ ….why I do what I do…
I dedicate this to my new soul…the one that is truly living and being reflected in my life everyday….
I have always longed for connection.
We all do.
As a child, I grew up the daughter of religious parents…the strict kind of religion…the one that didn’t allow for dancing.
…and I loved to dance.
I was taught the value of hard work…to do my chores and help out, because I was valuable when I helped…
…but I wanted to draw and paint and create….(so maybe I wasn’t valuable?)
I felt different…maybe even something else…
I felt disconnected and not quite like I was a part of anything.
As a teen I wasn’t popular. I didn’t have cute clothes…glasses and braces weren’t cool…
…so I didn’t really fit in. Actually that’s an understatement: I felt alone.
In my twenties, I learned that I could avoid this feeling by becoming more social and having parties and going to events. So, I straightened my hair, wore contacts and dressed for the part.
Similarly, when I got married and had children….I learned to be a responsible involved parent and make new friends and entertain for business and cook awesome meals…covering up my discomfort with extroversion and business.
I was …”fitting in”: becoming exactly what and who would be accepted in any situation.
I was becoming enough…
Worthy of affection, admiration, friendship, respect,…
This feeling of wanting to be a part of something, wanting to be good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, ….this yearning for connection…it defines so much of our lives and who we are.
But the part of acceptance that we often miss, is that we first have to accept ourselves.
The moment that we adapt, and we become something other who we truly and instinctually are, we betray ourselves. There is no amount of social acceptance or names on your friends’ list, that will make that feeling go away.
That feeling of not being connected to yourself. Not being connected to your inner light, your soul, and your purpose…
…that’s inside you.
…and if you change who you are, to make yourself a version that is more palatable, more accepted, and one that fits in…
…you’ve betrayed yourself.
The loneliness, resistance to joy and inability to find that which makes you happy, comes from betraying that inner-most part of you. That part that defines who you are. Allowing this, makes room for disconnect, disappointment, regret and resentment which will breed a sense of unhappiness that will fill every day with frustration, loneliness and discontent.
…and will make you wonder, “is this it?” “is this all there is?”.
…and ultimately we have to deal with our own shit.
It’s about betraying myself.
Being the imposter…
I’ve been there.
I’ve dressed the part, learned to be and do and have what is accepted …and made myself incredibly uncomfortable in the process.
I have blamed EXPECTATIONS and RESPONSIBILITY and BUSYNESS…and used those excuses to validate my disconnect, my lack of self-worth, and my lack of self-acceptance.
And still, I’ve struggled.
My struggle is to lean in, to embrace everything about myself. Every nuance that makes me, me. I struggle.
Because to embrace this and live into who I am, requires that I be vulnerable.
Without vulnerability, you cannot have authenticity. You cannot explore your true self, your worth and your value. You cannot connect to that fire inside you that burns from a passion that your soul knows about. This is acceptance.
And I believe that even though this process sucks, it’s the real deal. Because doing the work, excavating and reconnecting with who I am and what I believe makes me uncomfortable and vulnerable…and valuable. This is the work that transforms life from meaningless to purpose-filled.
This is where we find our power.
So here’s my why…
It took me a REALLY long time to figure this out. To figure out that I needed to accept myself, to really know myself..and THAT alone was the ignition for my fire.
I do this…I tell my story and I go to those places where it’s uncomfortable to go, because I know that I am supposed to hold the hand of the women who are still there.
I know…with every fiber of my being, that the answer…your answer…is to reconnect with your soul.
My purpose is to help women see that there is more. To help them free themselves from the expectations and overwhelm and disconnect…
Help them accept themselves first. As a result, your connection to your inner light will ignite your passion, power and sense of purpose for the future.
Above all, you can find the courage to reconnect to your inner light…YOUR FIRE!
…and really know your worth.
…and love yourself first.
PS: I’m not done. As I work with my coach…and sometimes more than one coach…I build on my understanding of myself. I am not finished. We don’t have to do this alone. We were never meant to. Let’s connect.
Katrina Murphy is a Professional Intuitive Life Coach in Ontario, Canada who serves clients across Canada, the U.S., the U.K and internationally. Katrina helps professionals and SMB owners to find reconnect in both their relationships and at work. She’s been featured in various publications and is the creator of the Power-Passion-Purpose Framework.